How to make your marriage awesome 6 secrets from a top divorce lawyer

How to make your marriage awesome 6 secrets from a top divorce lawyerHow to make your marriage awesome 6 secrets from a top divorce lawyerActually, I lied. This isbedrngnisa how-to.Good god, there are so many how-to posts about relationships, its exhausting. (Im tired of them and Im responsible forplentyof themmyself.)So lets mix it up, shall we?Follow Ladders on FlipboardFollow Ladders magazines on Flipboard covering Happiness, Productivity, Job Satisfaction, Neuroscience, and moreThis is a how-not-to.Hownotto make the mistakes that destroy relationships, marriages, and happiness. Im the guy who loves looking at academic research, but I also feel we gain a lot fromnon-academic experts. Ive talked to FBI hostage negotiators aboutlowering your cable bill, Navy SEALs onhow to be more resilient, and bomb disposal experts onhow to stay calm under pressure.So what can a top divorce attorney tell you about how to make sure you never, ever have to step foot in his office? A lot, actually.Ja mes Sexton has handlumineszenzdiode more than 1000 divorces. He doesnt claim to know what makes a relationship work but he sure knows whatdoesnt.FromIf Youre in My Office, Its Already Too LateIve had a ringside seat to countless ruined or doomed-from-the-start relationships. After two decades of performing this profoundly intimate service for so many ex-spouses-to-be, as well as for people in myriad other relationship permutations (e.g., living together having a child in common), the sheer bulk of behauptung observations has turned into wisdom of sorts.His book is If Youre in My Office, Its Already Too Late. Given that divorce is one of the few things that can put apermanent dentin your happiness levels, we should let James play Virgil to our Dante and tour us through this netherworld so we never have to take up residence there.Learning lessons from the successful is great, but sometimes we get more from looking at those who didnt fare as well - so we can avoid their mistakes.Time for the not-so-happy to show us how to be happier. Lets get to itDefine A Good MarriageGo ahead I dare you. No vague platitudes, either.sound of cricketsIts not easy, is it? Honestly, its not even a fair question becauseevery parties definition would be different. In fact, your own definition would alfruchtwein certainly change at different points in your life before kids, after kids, during retirement, etc.But we rarely answer this question. And rarer still is getting clear on the answer with your spouse. Does tying your happiness to the achievement of an undefined goal seem like a very good strategy to you?FromIf Youre in My Office, Its Already Too LateIf youve thought long and hard about what marriage means, congratulations Youre different from many of my clients What roles, specifically, will you play in this parties life, and they in yours? What do you get in exchange for doing this? Whats the job description of marriage?This is a big problem. James says marriages fail for onl y two reasons.FromIf Youre in My Office, Its Already Too LateI have learned, over and over, that marriages and other committed relationships fail for two fundamental reasons. 1) You dont know what you want. 2) You cant express what you want. End of story.So whats your definition of a happy marriage? What responsibilities does that entail? What are you entitled to and what are you not? And is your spouse on the same page?Truth is, peopledoanswer these questions eventuallyBut, unfortunately, its often once theyre already sitting in James office.FromIf Youre in My Office, Its Already Too LateIts strange to me- sad, actually- that the first time people ask themselves these questions is, quite often, in my office, when theyre in the process of crumpling up the future that wasnt. Isnt this inquiry something that married people should be doing on a regular basis? Individually, and especially together? In simply talking things out with me- often brutally, but clearly and in detail- my clie nts gain a real sense of how they define generic, vague terms such as success, happiness, and security, often for the first time in their adult life. When is the last time you and your spouse discussed what it specifically means to be happy and how you each define that term?Have this conversation with yourself. And have it with your spouse. That way you dont have to have it with James.(To learn more about how you can lead a successful life, check out my bestselling bookhere.)Okay, weve covered the big picture. So what else is vital when it comes to communicating with your spouse?Be Hyper-Honest With Your PartnerYeah, I know sounds cliche. Be honest with your partner. But were going way past polite honesty here. Were going to Stage-4-Cringe-Level-Honesty.The kind where you start to grimace in pain at just theideaof saying that thing out loud.We assume far too many things are obvious. And its often very self-serving. It prevents us from having uncomfortable conversations or having to ask for things that are scary. But we still want to be able to call our partner out if they dont do-the-thing-we-never-actually-mentioned. Im not a lawyer butlast time I checked, contracts that only one person has signed arent enforceable.Of course, James hears people complain about their spousesa lot. But when he asks, Did you tell them that? the fruchtwein common response is, Well, they should have known.People cant hear what you dont say.FromIf Youre in My Office, Its Already Too LateNo one- not even individuals in really happy couples, or with exceptional hearing- can hear what the other person isnt saying. Its easy to look at couples on the verge of a breakup and nod about their lack of communication Well, of course they broke up- they long ago stopped communicating frequently and effectively. But that could also be Monday-morning-quarterbacking. Flip the sentiment and it makes just as much sense They dont communicate frequently and effectively, so of course theyre bound to bre ak up.If you dont tell them, they cant address it. So you stay irritated. And resentment festers. And that leads to arguments that reachcall-911-levelsbecause the argument isnt about what the argument is about.So communicate early and often. Say that thing, even if it makes you uncomfortable.Especiallyif it makes you uncomfortable. Because grievances that go unspoken accumulate compound interest at a faster rate than your 401K.You wouldnt ignore your bank balance for a month. Dont ignore the state of your relationship for that long either. Fix the small cavity so its not a root canal later.FromIf Youre in My Office, Its Already Too LateEverything comes out eventually- everything One reason to get it all out is to make things unpleasant sooner rather than later, because the later unpleasant is way more unpleasantThe other reason is so that the real problem can be discovered before it gets buried. We try so hard not to integrierte schaltung the glass that we shatter it. We try so hard not to cause our spouse mild irritation with a difficult conversation that we inadvertently create a major issue in our relationship that never gets fixed and that leads to much larger problems.Have your spouse read this post. And then when something comes up, you can say, Can we have a hyper-honesty moment? Timing is important. Yes, sooner beats later but you dont want to have serious relationship discussions when someone is late for work or operating a bandsaw.Focus on talking about your feelings. Avoid blame and accusations.FromIf Youre in My Office, Its Already Too Lateshare how youre feeling without attempting to explain it. You feel how you feel. And those feelings have repercussions both short- and long-term. They inform how we relate to our spouse or partner on a day-to-day basis. They create habits that build intimacy or distance. We owe it to ourselves and our partners to share the building blocks of our inner lives before those little blocks create a wall that separates us from them.(To learn the four fruchtwein common relationship problems and how to fix them, clickhere.)Okay, weve gotten past the honesty issueOops, sorry. No, we havent. Because weve neglected the person youre often the least honest withBe Hyper-Honest WithYourselfPeople lie to James constantly. And theres no reason to. Hes legally bound by confidentiality. And hes seen it all - so hes not judging. And, most importantly, he needs to know the facts to help his client get the best resolution. But they lie anyway. Why?Because theyre not really lying tohim. Theyve been lying to themselves for so long they dont even know its not the truth.FromIf Youre in My Office, Its Already Too LateThe most dangerous lies are the ones we tell ourselves. The unexamined life may not be worth living, but it appears to be incredibly popular, at least from where Im sitting.Everybody has a pretty good idea of what they want from their spouse. But the question thats rarely asked is whatyourereally capable of. How much are you truly willing to give and do on a daily basis without being nagged to death or having a gun to your head?FromIf Youre in My Office, Its Already Too LateWhy wait until youre getting divorced (or heading in that direction) to be honest with yourself about what youre capable of in your relationship with your spouse and/or your children? be honest with yourself, right now, about how far you really think you would be willing to go for your partner.At what point does your response to marital adversity go from Well find a way, dear to Whoa, I didnt sign on for this crap?Know your weaknesses. You cant address them if you dont admit them to yourself.FromIf Youre in My Office, Its Already Too LateBe honest with yourself, deeply and painfully honest. Admit to yourself what youre good at and what youre not good at. Admit to yourself how much time you have to devote to the goals youre trying to achieve as a parent or partner, and what youre doing with that time. Be honest a bout the aspects of partnership and/or parenting that you enjoy and the ones that you loathe (or maybe could take or leave).And on a semi-regular basis, give yourself an honest progress report. Are you doing your part? Are you putting as much effort into the marriage as you did planning the wedding?Realistic, achievable goals in terms of improving your marriage come from brutal honesty with yourself and clear, actionable steps you can take.FromIf Youre in My Office, Its Already Too LateWhy not look closely at certain key areas in your marriage and give yourself an unflinchingly honest progress report as to what youre actually doing? While youre at it, maybe you can compare that totally candid report against an equally honest, tangible set of goals that arent made up of conclusory statements lacking in measurable meaning. I want to be more present in my marriage. What the hell does that mean? Its a conclusion. Its a destination, not a path to get there. How about something more tangi ble, like I want to stop playing with my phone when my spouse is talking to me or I want to do more activities on the weekends with my spouse.Its very easy to express commitment to a principle. Its much harder to consistently take actions that demonstrate that commitment.(To learn the two-word morning ritual that will make you happy all day, clickhere.)Okay, lots of honesty flying around. And in the long term, thats great. In the short term, uh, it might lead to a little bit of conflictA Divorce Lawyers Guide To ArguingJames argues for a living. (He tells his kids he wont argue with them for free because it wouldnt be fair to his paying clients.)Luckily, this means he has learned a lot about what works and what doesnt in dispute resolution - especially in the marriage sphere.Here are a few of his key principles gleaned from all too many conversations with people who were ending their unions1) Dont be obsessed with being right or winningIf you try to win every single point your rewa rd will be a bonus round where you try to win as much as you can in the divorce proceedings.FromIf Youre in My Office, Its Already Too LateShoot for resolution rather than full satisfaction When it comes to the person you love, you can concede once in a while. Which is more important having your perspective on an issue validated and the ego gratification of being right, or the feeling of connection that comes with being both understood and understanding? Which is more important the feeling that you won the argument or the feeling that youre winning at the larger game of love and companionship?2) Keep the discussion focused on the topic at handThis prevents you left the lights on from spiraling into why you are a subhuman troll not worthy of my love.FromIf Youre in My Office, Its Already Too LateKeep disputes focused dont take current behavior and start extrapolating larger trends in the relationship because, in the moment, it might seem like a good idea to get them out in the open a nd hash them out. Such leaps are dangerous, and theyre dirty pool3) For the love of god, dont start arguments over things that cannot be changedDo you have a time machine? I doubt your spouse has a time machine. So dont get into arguments over things that can only be resolved with a time machine.FromIf Youre in My Office, Its Already Too LateSure, there are times when your spouse did or said something stupid and theyre likely to do it or say it again if the behavior is left unchecked. In those circumstances, it might be worth having the argument If youre just holding a grudge and upset with your spouse about something unrelated and its impossible to change or undo, tread lightly.So whatshouldyou do during a marital spat?Before you open your mouth, think about the part of them that you fell in love with. And then imagine that the next thing theyre going to do is pay a visit to James.FromIf Youre in My Office, Its Already Too LateImagine youre going to lose your spouse later today- th at theyre going to leave you today because of something youve done to them. How would you treat them then? Exactly as you think they would want to be treated, right? By the time I see couples, theyve reached the point where its almost impossible for them to remember that the person theyre about to divorce was once the person they loved more than anyone in the world, the person whose happiness they would do anything to bring about. Solid couples who have hit a rough patch sometimes suffer a similar amnesia. If you conjure an image of your partners best self and address that person, you can often defuse a fight or break an impasse.We remember the cruel remarks better than the compliments, so be careful when emotions flare.(To learn the secret to never being frustrated again, clickhere.)So what will improve your marriage that has nothing to do with your marriage?Get A Life (Outside Of Your Partner)Make time for you. Yourself. As an individual. Yeah, youve heard it before, I know. But I m here to confirm that neglecting thisreallydoes lead to bad things. James sees it all the time.FromIf Youre in My Office, Its Already Too LateDont lose your identity in your marriage or in becoming a parent. Im not here to regurgitate the obvious. But I would like to point out just how often this issue, in one form or another, is at the root of so many divorces The marriage vows ask us to forsake all others. They do not demand that we forsake all the other good things we can be.Dont become boring. Not that anyone wants to be boring, but it happens. A lot. And its a sad irony that a 110% focus on your marriage can make you boring which can then end your marriage. (I dont make the rules, okay? Im here to help. Seriously.)The Facebook-fueled competition to have the perfect life combined with helicopter parenting can leave you a hollowed out shell that is no longer human. You can become little more than a life support system for a family unit.This wont make you happy and it wont make y our spouse happy either.FromIf Youre in My Office, Its Already Too LateYou stay interesting to your partner by staying interested in things outside your life together. You stay interesting to yourself- therefore better equipped to stay interesting to your partner- by stepping outside the marriage, from time to time, to find satisfaction. Your spouse can be a lot of things for you without being everything. Why the hell did we start trying to have one person be everything? Who thought that was a good idea?I know, youre busy with the kids. Heres where James has some very unconventional advicePretend youre divorced.No, dont download Tinder and buy a Porsche. Engage ininformalcustodial rotation. Have days where your spouse gets the kids and where you get the kids. To allow each of you to have time to recharge and be an individual.Kids can harm a marriage. (Yeah, I said it.) Kids can turn your passionate lover into a neutered business partner in a new venture called Kids, Inc. But it does nt have to be that way.Rotate custody. Stay an individual. Stay interesting to yourself and your partner.Added bonus an occasional day away will make you appreciate your family all the more.(To learn the science behind a *good* marriage, clickhere.)Weve covered a lot of big picture stuff. What about the day-to-day?Remember Love Is A VerbThe childs game is called show and tell. In that game, showing is easy and telling is the hard part. With marriage its the reverse. Saying you love someone is easy. Putting in the effort every day to make them feel loved can be hard.What does James say is the biggest threat to any long-term relationship? Slippage. We get lazy. We take things for granted. We take our partner for granted.Marriages end gradually. And then suddenly.FromIf Youre in My Office, Its Already Too LateThe biggest danger in a long-term relationship slippage. Because- again- no one raindrop causes the flood Its trite to say, but nothing that you dont focus on- your abs, your stam p collection- will magically thrive. It will stagnate, then wither. Eventually. Why should your marriage be different? So many of my clients misspent their emotional resources on things around the marriage, until they became so depleted, there was nothing left for the marriage. They had stopped paying attention.How do we resist this? You need to zap yourself with the gratitude defibrillator every now and then.We can take our partner for granted and get resentful. Its all too easy to weave a victim narrative where you do everything and they do nothing. And then we feel entitled and do less and then they do less and its a sprint to absolute zero and the heat death of the relationship.So sit down and make a list of the good things your spouse does for you. (We all seem to be pretty good at remembering what we do for them, oddly.)FromIf Youre in My Office, Its Already Too LateFor partners whove been together a while, how do you guard against slipping into the entitlement mindset? Sit do wn and write a list of all the things your spouse does for you. Is it hard to do? Did you ever stop and think about it? You can go big or small. You can start with the big ones, such as companionship, conversation, sex, or you can get more logistical- picks up the kids, takes out the trash. Hopefully, the list isnt limited to takes out the trash. I bet youll be surprised at how much your spouse does. What would you miss if they were suddenly gone from your life or from the home you share together?Zap yourself with the gratitude defibrillator. It can restart your heart.(To learn how to deal with passive aggressive people, clickhere.)Weve completed our tour of Hades. Please unbuckle your seat belt and exit through the gift shop.Time to round up the takeaways and learn the real reason why most people end up divorced - so that you wontSum UpHeres how to stay out of James officeDefine good marriage If you dont know what your goal is, how can you achieve it?Be hyper-honest with your spou se Say it in a conversation or a deposition. Your choice.Be hyper-honest with yourself Know your weaknesses and you can prevent them. If you dont, bad luck will follow you forever.Argue well As James likes to say,Make the holes you dig shallow because the deep ones are hard to climb out of.Get a life Rotate custody so you neverreallyhave to rotate custody.Love is a verb Gratitude defibrillator - STATWhy do marriages end? Because they lost the thing that is most important. The core of marriageMeaningful connection.FromIf Youre in My Office, Its Already Too LateAsk most people to name the two top reasons for divorce, and theyll almost always guess correctly cheating and ruinous money issues. But those are never the reasons for divorce- rather, theyre the symptoms of a bad marriage. Lack of meaningful connection and proper attention and enduring affection led to those lapses,Enough scary divorce talk. Start with the last tip Love is a verb.Think of something kind your spouse does for you. Text them right now and let them know how much you appreciate it.Yes, you may sound a little crazy. Thats okay - being romantic is, by definition, a little crazy.The best kind of crazy there is.Join over 330,000 readers.Get a free weekly update via emailhere.This article first appeared on Bakadesuyo.com.You might also enjoyNew neuroscience reveals 4 rituals that will make you happyStrangers know your social class in the first seven words you say, study finds10 lessons from Benjamin Franklins daily schedule that will double your productivityThe worst mistakes you can make in an interview, according to 12 CEOs10 habits of mentally strong people